Sunday, September 10, 2023

10 Sept 2023

 Dear bloggie,

The last few weeks been a rough one for me. Have not felt such depression vibes for a long time. Most years I manage to just tank (or sleep) thru these 2 months, yet this year... It wasn't so easy...

As usual, when these depression vibes hit me, I go into my normal introspection mode to sort out what/why/who/where/when/how is I feeling depressed.

  • What
    • Achievements, still a average joe code monkey
    • Still slave to the rat race
  • Why
    • My best friend married this year, maybe it's jealousy, maybe it's the sense of losing my best friend, maybe it's the sense of loneliness, maybe it's the fact I'm most likely never going to feel such joy
    • Been 1 year since I had the chest pain. Seem this chest pain is going to be a fixed fixture for the remainder of my life
  • Who
    • My parents are old, my mother seem to be coughing more regularly, my father once muscular body now looks thinner every time I see him. I don't know how many more year I have with them. I hate myself whenever I think, it won't matter, I will probably join them not long after they go
    • Developed a crush for someone I meet recently. Being in the negative state I am in, the negative things that infect my mind is enough to make me puke. I'm not rich, I'm not handsome, I'm not charming, I'm not smart, I'm not funny, I'm not this, I'm not that enough for her... I can't even open my stupid mouth to talk with her. The likely outcome is that I will have to watch a prince charming riding a white horse (probably in a white benz) and snoops her into the sunset is enough to hate myself for being so incapable, hate my personality, hate my guts, hate my entire being...
  • Where
    • The fact most people I know have move (up and down) the last year or so, while I am still stagnant. Some married, some divorce, some bought a new car, new house, new projects, new something... While some are bad things, but these people are growing...
    • Attended my high school reunion yesterday, again the comparison against other people. Most are successful and happy with their life, great career, great family, great friends, great peoples... Hard to stomach myself after this
  • When
    • Hitting the big 41 years old, 41 years to do something with my life. to achieve something, to leave my mark, to gain mastery over something, to do something... All squandered, just chilling... like a rock, have I ever lived my life I wondered?
  • How
    • How am I feeling no urge to change myself despite knowing all these things above is probably the hardest pill to swallow
    • Somehow a part of me already accepted I will die as I am now as a zero, and that fact alone is depressing enough
    • How am I such a petty being, I always prided myself thinking I have grown above all this things above, but the reality I guess I was just pretending it didn't matter.

Tuesday, March 15, 2022

Death, Dream, Reflection

 Dear bloggie,

As so people say, you never appreciate what you have until you are on the verge to losing it. I sit here infront on laptop screen, recalling the deja vu feeling I have right now. My mother and me tested positive for COVID 19 this last couple of days.

My father was the only one in my household that haven't been infected, but from the early cough symptoms he is starting to show, I suspect he too has been infected. While we have taken all 3 vaccine shot, there is still a chance regardless of how small some claim is to encounter complication.

I'm getting the normal shebang of symptoms like fever, sore throat, dry cough, runny nose, cold feet and sore joints. Overall I can endure all the symptoms except for my runny nose which it quite hard for me to breath normally using my nose. Sleeping is even harder when my nose blocked. Often went I try to sleep and wake up due to find my nose blocked, I fear falling asleep and never ever waking up.

It also stuck me, from videos I seen on people that was unfortunate enough to encountered repository complication that would sometimes only appear on the 4 day. I'm at day 2 of when I 1st started to exhibit symptoms. The image of me being rushing to the hospital by my father on that day haunts me. 

I'm not really a hardcore believer of god, but somehow find myself silently praying my family and me would get thru this without and thing major. I'm rather ashamed of myself of offering to god stupid promises like I would eat vege on 1 and 15, and make donations to the needy. So ashamed I resorted to making such prayed to god only when I'm in need of him. 

I often claim I wanted to die not due to old age but now that I face that prospect, a part of of is yelling I want another 20 years, I haven't live enough. So much things I haven't done yet.

Then a natural path of reflection, I wonder about what are the things I haven't done yet and I realized I could name much of this "to-do things". So this is my attempt to materialize such as list so I hopeful won't lose focus on the things that I realize is important.

1. Treat my parent better

2. Take my parent to a expensive dinner

3. Connect more with my sister and my 2 niece and nephews

4. Connect with my relative more

5. Get back into shape (Healthy eating and exercise)

6. Donate more to charity

7. Social media less

8. Make youtube video passing on things I learn in Add Math that make me who I am today

9. Fix my room

10. Run another marathon

11. Be less greedy and envious of what other have and appreciate what I have

12. Blog/Write more

13. Do yoga + pilates again

14. Vegan during 1st and 15th

15. Try out kempo

16. Finish reading some of the books in my room

Sunday, November 28, 2021

Green Dream

 Dear bloggie,

I had a dream yesterday night. I dream I was on a voyage on a ship on the sea to another continent with someone. I couldn't remember how this someone looks like. The only detail I could remember is that she wore something green and was sewing on a sewing circle tool. I have a short talk with her but I couldn't remember what was converse.

Then I remember how I went to cuddle her on the seat, my hands rested on her ribcage area when she reacted to it saying it felt ticklish. I then remember myself wondering where my hand should be place on her, either on her waist or on her shoulder.

I wished I could remember more details of the dream as I felt some sort of longing for this someone, like we were a close couple in our past life or something. 

Or maybe it's just my inner desire to maybe meet my soulmate that manifested in this dream... 

Wednesday, May 19, 2021

Covid 19 Malaysia

Dear bloggie,

It been so long since I last blogged, I however felt compelled to blog today as the overwhelming feeling of being unable to do anything but watch as Covid 19 continue to ravage my country.

I feel anger, frustration, scared, worried, disappointed all at the same time. Almost a year ago, when covid started it's rampage, my country Malaysia did the admirable work to keep the 1st wave to a bare minimum. I honestly felt we were going to make thru this without encountering the death march scene in Italy and China. 

A long string of fuck ups later, here we are now... +6K cases... Some would say this figure is not so bad compared other countries, but with no light in the end of the tunnel, one can only ponder how bad will go... 

We been in WMCO (Whatever MCO) for almost +2 weeks already, and the number shows no sign of subsiding. The country vaccination drive is seriously a landmark of the fuckary that is going on with fuckers in the leadership position. We have a total of 31 million people, and so far only 1.2 million is vaccinated 1 dose, while only 700K is fully vaccinated 2 doses. That's 3%!!!!?? 

Our neighbour Singapore already hit the 30% mark, while even Indonesia is at 8%. Even Bangladesh is at 5%. One has to wonder why the fuck are we where we are now. Our Science, Technology and Innovation Minister Khairy Jamaluddin was quoted saying,

"Phase 2 is ongoing… Phase 3 is supposed to start in May, but I don't know if we have enough (vaccines) to start.

In Malaysia, (the slow rate of vaccination) is not due to the inefficiency of the vaccination programme. In fact, we scheduled 260,000 appointments in one day.

It's not that we cannot do it fast, but vaccine supply is slow"

We had 1/2 a fucking year to prepare for this and the excuse is not enough supply!!??? Any one with a fucking brain would know Covid is a "world" wide pandemic and this fucker is saying no one in ur whole fucking department is even considered "Hey, when the vaccine is out, the whole world will be rushing to acquire it, would there be enough supply at that time? Maybe we should plan how we can maybe acquire a reasonable chunk for ourself meanwhile". 

Instead everything is done as we Malaysian like to call it "relaxlah". We wait for other countries to place some "bets" to avoid the shit we are in at now. It maybe cost less if we wait and see which vaccine has best result and price economically, but at what price? Having a prolonged MCO that would strained the country already battered economy? How much $$$ have we lost due to MCO instead of putting early bets on vaccine? Have any pros and cons been properly weighted for putting some early bets on some of the vaccines? Or has all this vaccine acquiring been done under the attitude of "relaxlah". 

Now, with rate of vaccination, the herd immunity goal is only expected to completed in 2027!!!?? 6 years from now!???? I don't know what kind of fucking good excuse you have, but 6 years???  And considering with no stable supply of vaccine due till July (1 fucking month from now), this joker dares to claim we'll be done by end of this year, claiming more supply is expected to come in the next few months. And since this month supply was delayed, what make this joker think the following months supply won't be delayed as well???

Thank god some state govts has decided to go down the commercial route to acquire vaccines. One has to wonder, if the state govts can acquire these vaccine why then isn't the federal govt unable to and claim to '"no supply" instead? 

Sad thing is this all could have been avoided. But true to the theme of fuckary leadership, the ruling govt prefer to politik then manage this country properly. 

The fire starter, the Sabah 2020 election. Having contained Covid after the 1st MCO, the ones in power in my country decided it time to consolidate their power. "Tak apalah" attitude that ignore what Covid did to China, Italy, and US lead to a stupid election in Sabah in 2020. 

Mass rallies, gathering and ceramah were held in Sabah, gathering, a deadly pandemic looming at the forefront of the world forgotten entirely. Unsurprisingly a spike in number of Covid cases occured shortly after the election. This is compounded when moronic idiots infected by Covid at Sabah flew back to West  Malaysia and decided to skip the 14 days quarantine stage. The fuckary continues when the morons in power decided not to clam down on mass religious gathering causing the number to spike futher. 

In a desperate attempt to quill angry mobs of people outraged by the fuckary that caused the Covid to spike, a CMCO was launch. Conditional as in different ministers say different things on what it is. At the same time US started their mass vaccination after Biden oust Trump (another moronic leader). The vaccine proven to be able to cull the Covid pandemic. Light was finally at sight at the end of the tunnel.

However in my country the number continue to creep up to 4+K. Fearing a higher spike post Chinese New Year another CMCO was held just before it to prevent family gathering and people to visit each other. It managed to push down the cases back to 1-2K range. Yet somehow the cases refused to dip below 1K. 

Most people at this point are worn out physically, monetary and mentally by the Covid. Most people already wasn't as cautious as they were when the Covid started it reign of terror a year ago. Instead of reminding the citizen of this country to be cautious as we're so close to start our vaccination drive, the morons in power decided to do absolutely nothing. 

A true to form, they did jack shit when Ramadan arrived. Mass gathering at food bazaar was "okaylah" as if Covid would also fast and not spread during this Ramadan. The numbers started to stir again, and it's already a early sign of the inevitable. Then only 1 week before Raya, another WMCO was again held in just 3 states. The mind boggling part, how this WMCO was executed. With the SOP only announce a day before execution, as if it was thought of last minute. The manner and the timing of this WMCO leads me to believe these morons were planning to allow people to celebrate Hari Raya. Just utter fuckary. 

Now a week after Raya, the fruits of visiting the bazaar and lax social distancing are bearing their fruits. We today hit the highest number of cases +6K and some medical expert forecasting it could swell till 9K soon.

This whole year was really a fuckup from the morons in power in this country, having no proper planning on what/when/why/who/how todo to keep Covid in check. I used to believe nothing could fix this fucked up country as the rot runs too deep, but I'm blogging how I felt at this very moment as a reminder to myself that I must do what ever I can to fix this rot in leadership in this country. We must NEVER allow this fuckary to occur again!

Tuesday, May 12, 2020

Hello bloggie

Dear bloggie,


Hi again. It been a very long time since we last converse. 

A long 2 years to be exact. A lot of things happen during that period of time that strangely felt like an eternity ago. Yet when I jolted my memory to recall the journey thru "long eternity ago", it felt like it was just a few days ago when I was b*tching to you about how shitty my UNIFI (my internet provider) was (and truth to be told still is, better but still sucks).

So why now? 

Maybe it's cause I been social isolated for more than 1 month due to Covid 19...
Maybe it's cause I have been watching quite alot of interesting content on youtube and was motivated by it to blog... 
Maybe it's cause I have have this itch behind my writer's back I need to scratch...
Maybe it's cause I felt the need to look at myself in the mirror again...
Maybe it's all those reason above...

What ever the reason, I am here so
Hello bloggie