Dear bloggie,
The last few weeks been a rough one for me. Have not felt such depression vibes for a long time. Most years I manage to just tank (or sleep) thru these 2 months, yet this year... It wasn't so easy...
As usual, when these depression vibes hit me, I go into my normal introspection mode to sort out what/why/who/where/when/how is I feeling depressed.
- What
- Achievements, still a average joe code monkey
- Still slave to the rat race
- Why
- My best friend married this year, maybe it's jealousy, maybe it's the sense of losing my best friend, maybe it's the sense of loneliness, maybe it's the fact I'm most likely never going to feel such joy
- Been 1 year since I had the chest pain. Seem this chest pain is going to be a fixed fixture for the remainder of my life
- Who
- My parents are old, my mother seem to be coughing more regularly, my father once muscular body now looks thinner every time I see him. I don't know how many more year I have with them. I hate myself whenever I think, it won't matter, I will probably join them not long after they go
- Developed a crush for someone I meet recently. Being in the negative state I am in, the negative things that infect my mind is enough to make me puke. I'm not rich, I'm not handsome, I'm not charming, I'm not smart, I'm not funny, I'm not this, I'm not that enough for her... I can't even open my stupid mouth to talk with her. The likely outcome is that I will have to watch a prince charming riding a white horse (probably in a white benz) and snoops her into the sunset is enough to hate myself for being so incapable, hate my personality, hate my guts, hate my entire being...
- Where
- The fact most people I know have move (up and down) the last year or so, while I am still stagnant. Some married, some divorce, some bought a new car, new house, new projects, new something... While some are bad things, but these people are growing...
- Attended my high school reunion yesterday, again the comparison against other people. Most are successful and happy with their life, great career, great family, great friends, great peoples... Hard to stomach myself after this
- When
- Hitting the big 41 years old, 41 years to do something with my life. to achieve something, to leave my mark, to gain mastery over something, to do something... All squandered, just chilling... like a rock, have I ever lived my life I wondered?
- How
- How am I feeling no urge to change myself despite knowing all these things above is probably the hardest pill to swallow
- Somehow a part of me already accepted I will die as I am now as a zero, and that fact alone is depressing enough
- How am I such a petty being, I always prided myself thinking I have grown above all this things above, but the reality I guess I was just pretending it didn't matter.
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